A report from the Chinese state news agency Xinhua has confirmed that China’s mission to the moon hasn’t found a single scrap of evidence that Americans were ever there.
Photographs of the lunar surface taken while the ‘Jade Rabbit’ probe was in orbit and further investigations on the ground have now been analysed and show that areas where US landings were thought to have taken place reveal a surface untouched by man, and no sign of any golf activity whatsoever.
‘They were never there at all,’ said baffled Chinese Foreign Minster, Wang Yi, ‘All those conspiracy theories about Americans making stuff up to make themselves look good turn out to be true. And we would never have known if it weren’t for the glorious People’s Lunar probe of China re-writing history and putting the record straight.’
The findings were even more disappointing for the scientists who created the probe. They had equipped Jade Rabbit with special cutting tools for shredding any American flags it found and replacing them with China’s own. Special legs were also fitted so that the rover could sidle up to remnants of any American spacecraft and kick it and kick it and kick it in the most contemptuous manner possible.
‘We thought, well, what were they going to do, they’d have to send a mission to go back and replant them, surely?’ Mr Yi added. ‘Our policy was simple: all they would have to do was ask us to lend them the money to do it. And then we’d say no. Ha ha ha ha ha! Pig dogs! It’s such a shame that we won’t now get the chance to HUMILIATE them again.’
The Chinese lunar programme is set to accelerate, Mr Yi confirmed. ‘We are building a space centre in the Gobi desert, with a mission control room, astronaut training and a massive sound stage made to look like the moon from where our fake landing will be broadcast to the world in 2016,’ he stated, completely oblivious to the fact that he may have given too much away and will probably be shot in the morning.
White House press secretary Jay Carney refused to comment, but was heard muttering under his breath that ‘those bastards will copy anything’.
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